January 7, 2013
When I was in kindergarten, I wanted to be an astronaut. The thought of going into space and seeing new stuff appealed to me as a 5-year-old. Soon after, I discovered what a queen was and also wanted to be a queen. Now it’s years later and the would-be astronaut queen is neither…or is she?
I travel through space held by gravity to earth seemingly born to rule over the queendom of my own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. What I want, I demand and get. However, being an astronaut, I have discovered that letting go of desires/wants/attachments was easier than going after them—and the results were better! I should mention here that I discovered Buddhism and decided that “The Four Noble Truths” (1. Life means suffering. 2. The origin of suffering is attachment. 3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. 4. The path to the cessation of suffering via the 8 Fold Path.) seemed true enough and stood up to any and all tests I put it through.
Yet I am attached to survival, to living. The thought of closing my eyes and disappearing into a black nothingness is unappealing and seems boring. Yet sleep, which is the same thing as dying is fine with me. Yet every night, I find it difficult to power down and die for the day. Why?
It’s because I am a sponge. A spongy, astronaut queen. I want to absorb everything in this world. I can sit and surf the net for information all day both trivial and educational. I want to know everything.
In the third grade, I received an award for “Asking Questions”. That teacher had me pegged. While other kids got awards for “holding my hand during recess” and “playing matchbox cars” (each kid in the class got an individual award), I was a philosopher even back then—a spacewoman jettisoning through the space of her cerebral matter wanting to know, to discover, to experience everything.
It takes about me approximately 20-30 hours a week to do enough paid work to survive and that includes getting ready for work, commuting, etc. (in other words, I have more “free time” that most people). The rest of the time I philosophize. I think. I ask questions. If I can’t find out the answer, I try to resolve it in my own mind.
I love anonymity and raw honesty. One of the problems with enjoying this is that most people aren’t honest with themselves, myself included. It’s difficult to figure out when you’re being honest with yourself and when you’re bullshitting yourself. Self-awareness is key. Problems occur when we are ignorant or in denial of facts. Guilt and self-loathing/hatred can occur when we apply hindsight or, in other words, after we gain knowledge regarding that of which we’d previously been unaware. Staying present prevents the damage that may occur when memories of guilt/self-detestment occupy our thoughts taking us out of the present moment.