EDIT/Preface/Disclaimer: This piece has a few errors and reading it to today, 16 days later, it seems a bit rambly. Instead of deleting it or spending time editing it, I’m going to do something different and leave it in as an official Field Report with a disclaimer to encourage future readers to stick with it if it gets a bit difficult in places. Also, today I wrote another Field Report that I want to spend time on rather than editing this one.
I don’t say “nobody cares” in a pathetic way. I say it in a factual way. Of course I haven’t posted for years but still, I got less than 20 views and zero interaction. It’s OK though. I don’t care. I’m just aware now that no one cares about anyone really but themselves and we’re all alone in the end anyway even if we’re 100 years old and our loved ones are all around us as we peacefully, and painlessly drop our earthly bodies. In other words, in the end, unless we’re killed instantly and not conscious in any way of our death, we must leave everything earthly behind and venture alone into the unknown of life without a human body and planet Earth.
I wanted to mention Gurumayi. And Sadhguru aka Jaggi Vasudev because I mentioned them in an earlier post. I have been inspired many times by their words and actions. I consider myself neither a devotee or adversary. I’ve been “really into them” in the past and am not really into either of them at the moment.
One of the things Sadhguru said that shifted my thinking was that some people use his talks and spirituality/religion in general as a form of entertainment. They’re not as interested in practicing as they are as talking about it or watching people talk about it. Alan Watts said that in the East, there is a saying and that is “to stink of zen” that would be directed at an individual who appeared to merely talk about zen and spirituality and who didn’t appear as though they actually practiced it.
Speaking of talking the talk as opposed to walking the walk, Shivabalayogi was often asked His opinion about one person or another and would often reply, I’ve been told, by pointing at His brain and telling the seekers to use use thire minds/intellects to figure out who is good and worth following. He’d also advise people to “just look at him or her” when they’d ask about other yogi’s, gurus, or spiritual leaders. No need to wonder. The proof is in the pudding.
Another inspiring person to me during the past few years has been Anthony Moo aka Mooji who has been quoted as saying “Be the evidence” of truth, god, etc. It’s similar to Gandhi’s “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
What if you do all that and no one notices?
What if people notice but don’t care or even react?
What if you realize that people you’ve either helped or would help if they needed you won’t help you when you’re in need without some sort of benefit for them?
What if you realize the world is filled mostly with self-serving narcissists who proudly proclaim (as if pride wasn’t a deadly sin) how dedicated they are to their families, their friends, their loved ones and, most of all (but obviously only in word only) their God(s).
A: You plan accordingly.
But you can’t plan for the unexpected. And, dear future reader, this is what has befallen your humble, yet dedicated Astronaut Queen. Old age is catching up with her and despite her best efforts, vision is failing, arthritis is creeping in, flexibility is lessening, stiffness is increasing, and the stress of decades of stress is taking a toll on what I refer to as my “tum tum“.
Is some of this reversible. I believe it is. Diet is and has always and forever will most likely be my first line of defense. It has served me well and I weigh in just a few pounds over what I’ve weighed since high school. The body looks great and that is great except for the fact that I suffer from poor vision as well as other invisible diseases. In other words, I look fine.
Actually, I look better than fine and I assert this because men half my age approach me on average once every month or two and tell me I’m attractive. I suppose one might wonder if they were just trying to be nice but when strangers have been given the chance to view me anonymously, the feedback has been very, very positive.
And you know what? It kinda sucks being
an attractive woman stuck in this particular space suite. “A blessing and a curse” is another way of describing what it’s like to be a so-called hot woman, MILF, mamacita, etc.
But back to the theme of this Mission Journal: Nobody Cares.
Although a gal like me may hope that men are being nice to her because they’re nice people, she really never knows if a guy is just being nice to her in order to get close physically because some guys are really, really, really, really, good at pretending to be interested in a woman when they’re really only interested in sex with said women. In fact, they’re so darned good at it that they even convince themselves that they’re really into her. Same goes for everyone so don’t take that as a dis on men. Women are guilty of doing it to men. Gay men are guilty of doing it to other gay men. Transgendered females to males are guilty of doing it to other men and/or women. In other words, people can pretend to really be interested in other people when, in reality, all they want is to take something from them–usually money or sexual satisfaction. So really, does anyone care about anyone else?
One might argue that they care about their families or partners but what if your partner didn’t have sex with you anymore. How much do people care about partners who cut them off from sexual and physical contact? And, would you talk to your family members if there weren’t an inheritance? How about talking to co-workers once you’re no longer at the same job and no longer have the same financial interests? How about all the people trying to get you to purchase something and how they all act like they care so much about you but once you don’t buy or they realize you aren’t going to buy, they could care less and they stop pretending to care?
I hope I am being clear here. What I’m trying to report is that no one cares about you who doesn’t have a financial interest in you and/or who doesn’t want to fuck you.
But there is another person to be aware of besides the person/people who is/are interested in you due to money and/or sex and that is the person who “cares” about you because they enjoy hearing your drama and/or hearing themselves talk. If you like to listen to people’s stories, those types can really fool you into thinking they care about you when they have zero interest in using you as anything other than what I have termed “Boredom Relief”. I call those types victims of CBAD (Can’t Be Alone Disorder). Sometimes they’re straight up textbook narcissists suffering from what the DSM calls Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They will make you think they care by asking questions only to let you rant before they dole out unsolicited advice presenting themselves as wise sages who, if ever, made mistakes in the distant past and who love to preach about how successful they are at life and always have been, except, you know, a long, long time ago when they may have made a mistake or two.
The measure of if someone cares is how they react (or don’t react) when you’re suffering mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. I find it odd that people will let others let them down in their time of need and then let these same people back into their lives once they’ve shown them their true colors. I blame CBAD.
I can almost hear the naysayers say “You suffer from NCD (Nobody Cares Disorder)” and I’d argue back. I’m not complaining. I’m stating a fact. You’re the one attaching negativity to it. Plus, I’ve even admitted to not caring too. It’s human nature and related to human’s seeming need to try to survive as long as possible and hopefully and perhaps forever (which is insane but dismissed by most earthlings).
Frankly, nobody caring could be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. They say, “beware of the person with nothing to lose” and that makes someone like me a little paranoid. Then again, I totally get it. People don’t want to lose their lives to a suicide bomber or angry person who feels the world has slighted him/her. But you lose your life anyway and they say the most painful way to die ounce for ounce so to speak, is to grow old.
Hence, nobody caring is neither a good nor bad thing. It’s just a fact. One can care about one’s self and hope to find others who care too without financial, sexual, or entertainment-related gain. And what is it to “care” anyway? What is caring? What does caring look like to you? What should it look like? What can you expect from others you don’t have anything to give to? Actually, I’m not sure I care right now. I’m getting tired. This Field Report is rambly. It’s 9:08 PM on a Saturday night in Phoenix, Arizona and I’m using this Field Report as boredom relief so I guess one could argue that I really don’t care about myself either because I do have financial, sexual, entertainment-related gain in relation to myself. Damn you Jaggi! You were right not only about me watching your videos but this is true when I use my own self and my thoughts as a form of entertainment. And I should know better. There is no “self”. There is only I AM-ness. I am my own favorite form of entertainment but this “I” is sure to die leaving a soul (if there is one) to go on (if there is somewhere to go on to).
I don’t know when I’ll leave another Mission Journal. Sometimes I think I should write them more often but this all I have to report for now. I’m trying to survive. It’s hard though when one doesn’t have a lot to give and has to depend on the kindness of strangers. Plus, I’m not even sure why I keep trying to survive in a world I’m destined not to survive. When is it OK to say, “I’m really not into surviving anymore.” Is it age 90? Age 100? Is it once you get a terminal diagnosis and have suffered enough according to one’s doctor, family, friends, aka others and/or self? Who gets to decide when you’ve had enough if not you yourself?
Another thing I’m finding and that I want to report is that people ask “Do you want to harm yourself or others” not because they care but because they don’t want the liability of having your relatives sue them if you kill yourself. They’re trained like parrots to ask this even when there is no evidence that a person is violent. And they don’t care that it is triggering to be repeatedly asked “do you want to harm yourself or others”.
Since making my initial calls to get some help back in February of this year, I have been asked this almost on a daily basis. I want to answer, “No and are you implying I should?” Of course the person would get defensive and parrot whatever they’ve been trained to say/think but I want it to stop and I need help so I have to put up with it.
The thing is, if you cared so much about me, why do you keep asking that and then dismissing me and telling me to be patient while spouting platitudes (another parroting behavior the healthcare “professionals” seem to love). That’s not caring. That’s “stinking of zen” or, more accurately, “stinking of psychopop babble or cliches”.
Fact of the matter is, it’s hard to get practical help when you have nothing to offer in return. You get a lot of guilt and blame thrown your way though.
Before I end this monstrosity of a post, I’m going to add something I was thinking about today. As I mentioned, young men often approach me asking me what my “secret” is to looking so good at my age. It’s never women or older men asking–just young bucks. I know I shouldn’t give it away for free but here it is:
- Eliminate any and all people in your life who stress you out even if this means you’ll be alone.
- Always get 8 hours of sleep and/or meditation.
- Eat right. PS You have to figure out what is “right” for you and you should be able to do this if you have self-awareness.
- Cultivate self-awareness because it’s not humanly possible for anyone to care about you more than you, yourself.”
Maybe I’ll expound on this in a subsequent post. And maybe I won’t log into this Mission Journal for another few years in which case I’d like to end with:
Hi! Trillian from the Future! I’d welcome any comments you have on this post since, most likely, you are the only person who will care enough to read it–and that is neither a bad nor good thing.