I Don’t Want to Deal With Anyone–Even Someone Perfect!

Field Report 2017May28  (Julian)| 95007.53 (Stardate) | Day 142/365 | 5777 Sivan 3 (Hebrew) | 13.0.4.8.19 (Mayan) | 2nd Ramadan, 1438 Sunday (Islam) | 1495929600 (Unix time value) | 42883 (Excel serial day) | 1939 Jyaistha 7 (Indian Civil Date) |

There is always so much to report that I just don’t report anything. I’m not even sure what I’m doing with this project. I mean, this is kind a of joke blog or a put on or…I dunno. It’s obviously not my real name and something I’d share with the people I know “in real life”. It’s sort of an anonymous journal I suppose. I like knowing that I’m putting stuff out there. I think that if I were to die today, I’d want something left publicly and this “Astronaut Queen” thing is the most intimate thing I’ve shared publicly.

I may have mentioned in an earlier entry that me typing and publishing publicly on-line is like a monkey flinging its own shit out there. And it’s akin to a crazy person doing the same. It seems to me that if a person is ignored enough, they start “acting” or “behaving” “crazy” which can also be interpreted as such in that it’s an act or intentional behavior to act/be crazy and it’s done when normal attempts at communication with others are ignored. In other words, if you ignore someone enough, they’ll start acting crazy (perhaps by flinging their own shit or words around) so that others will no other choice but to attend to them (aka give them their attention) which is what people need sometimes in order to survive on this earth without being a threat to themselves or to others.

What I’m contemplating is my own need for attention and trying to get it down to zero. But, I want to survive (or at least not suffer a long, painful death) and it seems to me that “being nice” and not demanding people’s attention will only get you so far and that to get others to give me the help I think I need (or perhaps it’s merely help that I want), I have to start flinging shit. There really seems to be no other way to survive in this world and to get my psychological/physical needs met so I can continue to exist here. I’d rather not need anything from anyone–ever, and including attention.

But why do I continue to want to stay here on this planet? Why not devote ALL my time to meditation? If I did this, perhaps I could succeed in suicide by Samadhi? And if that is indeed my intention, why don’t I work towards it? Why spend time today anything else but meditating? It may be because I simply can’t meditate longer than I can meditate. So maybe I just need to meditate as long as I can for as long as I can? I don’t know. I guess there is some reason to stay on this earth. I like to think up stories in my head. Maybe that’s why I stay?

Much later.

Took me hours to transcribe my sleep/wake/melatonin times that the sleep specialist asked me to keep. Been doing pretty well for the past month tracking my sleep/wake times and adjusting my dose of melatonin which is currently 3 mg.

Now I have to journey to a pharmacy to purchase more but I am currently bleeding heavily as I’ve been doing all day whilst beating myself up for not doing more today as if a woman my age bleeding heavily from her uterus should be expected to do anything at all. I have to cook today too or eat fruit, nuts, and yogurt all day. Plus, I’m running out of paper goods so I really should go. Plus, tomorrow the store will be closed because it’s Memorial Day. I have exactly 1 hour and 10 minutes to get there. It’s a 5 minute drive. I just don’t feel like making myself presentable to the public. Currently I’m wearing a thin white t-shirt and a thin white skirt I made out of a torn nightgown I purchased new exactly 2 years ago. No makeup, no hairstyle. I mean, it’s only Walgreens but still, I can’t go out looking like a crazy person. But I don’t want to shove anything up there (i.e. my vagina) and I don’t want to put on a bulky pad and pants. I guess I could put on one of my maxi skirts and a top and just go but “I’m having cramps!” she (i.e. I) exclaimed as if she/I were a teenager.

I need to man-up or, rather, toughen up and just go and do it. I wish I could ask someone to do it for me but I’m glad I don’t have to dealwith anyone so this is the price I pay for not wanting to deal with people. I mean, if I had a perfect person to do this for me, they’d have to get my card, drive there, pick it up, drive back here, and drive back home and also there’d be talk time with me. It could take 1/2 hour to 1 hour of someone’s time depending on how far they lived. And, most importantly, I’d have to deal with that person for 10-30 minutes and I don’t want to deal with anyone–even 10 minutes with someone perfect!

So really, I should be thankful I have to go do this now or go without a dose of melatonin tomorrow night. Damn you Memorial Day store hours! Maybe I will photo my trip and add it to my Instagram.

Any way I slice this though, I do have to stop typing and start getting ready to journey out for melatonin if I want to stay on this decent sleep schedule.

Perhaps I’ll write more later.

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