Circa 7 AM June 21, 2017
I’m reflecting on this Alan Watts quote that I mentioned in an earlier post:
Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone.
No one is who is reading this (including the writer) is alone because if you’re reading this, I (the writer) am thinking about you, the future reader, with the most nonjudgmental, neutral, and accepting regards because I’ve been humbled enough times to know that even though I may not have committed the alleged crime(s) you have, I could have if pushed to my limits and were presented the same experiences you were up until the time of the so-called offense. And, in addition, there are many human beings (including me) who, while praying, have included every single person both living, dead, and to be born in their prayers and were “with” you while they did so even though they weren’t with you in a physical, tangible sense. And this is a good thing because it shows us we can take comfort in, and sense unity and togetherness despite our seemingly different locations in space and time.
About 2 hours later….
I’m in an eye doctor’s office now. Waiting. Writing. Having had taken 2.5 mg of Pourable THC and I should be high and pain free but I’m not. The neck pain is the worst. I’m stressed all the time. I’m in pain all the time. I can’t see. I don’t have security in my future. I have no other choice but to believe in something supernatural, something otherworldly. Even if there is no otherworld, the fact remains, I have to let go. I have to surrender to that which is more powerful than I am whateveritis. Whateveritis! I have a case of Whatever-itis! I intend to try to add this word to Urban Dictionary if/when I write a definition I like.
But I really can’t concentrate on anything other than my neck pain right now and I think it’s there, in part, because I have overworked it by stretching and massaging it because it’s been hurting so much in a vicious circle. The same thing is happening with working. I work a lot because I feel good, and within hours, my arm is in spasms and I can’t work at all. There is no middle ground because middle ground is working only a few hours and then spending the rest of the time either sitting still, or moving constantly cleaning or pacing. Or just stretching. It’s like I have to do yoga all day. And meditate.
I’m being sentenced to doing yoga all day, meditating, and eating right. I’m being punished by not being able to partake in the usual human activities.
A short while later while still waiting….
In this waiting office, there is a TV on and it was showing Stephen Colbert talking to some young starlet I didn’t recognize and he was cracking a joke about using a Himalayan sea salt health-care product as a food and a middle-aged patient in the waiting room with me started laughing. Personally, I find Colbert’s humor amusing but I was focused on checking in and filling out forms so I couldn’t focus too much on the jokes but…. The man’s laughter at the show was annoying!
To backtrack, I did find the joke funny. Clearly the girl was trying to promote some health-related practices and he kept going on and on about how he would use the beauty product on food and it was funny in my opinion. I’m not sure why I’m belaboring this point because the point of me recording my feelings regarding this issue is that the guy’s laughter fucking annoyed me and it triggered memories of (gasp) living with people.
It got me to thinking: I’m too young for a nursing home or a retirement community. Or am I?
I guess I’m belaboring the point because it’d be easy to interpret what I was trying to say as a portrayal of someone who simply hated people. A misanthrope. Which I’m not…unless I am.
The floors here are really shiny. I have ADD.
I have an appointment today with someone who is supposed to help me navigate through the medical system here and after than, I have a long awaited medical evaluation for psych meds which I really don’t want to take. I prefer medical marijuana and it’s the only medicine I use but it’s not enough or I can’t afford it. I’m not sure which because I can’t afford the amount I need to stay pain free.
Addendum the following morning: I have Keratoconus and the med evaluation went well and the person I met with (not sure what her official title was) decided I didn’t need any psychiatric meds which is cool because I wasn’t planning on taking any. I made the appointment because the counselor I’m working with for PSTD, ADD, and autism support suggested I meet up with evaluator just to see what she said. I do find it comforting to know that a professional who I talked to for over 90 minutes agreed that I didn’t need medication. I’m not above taking psychiatric medication if the need outweighs the risk and for me, at this point in time, it doesn’t.
TBH, the medical marijuana comes at a high monetary cost and, like many pain meds, does cause a bit of drowsiness during the day. The worse part of being a medical marijuana patient is the stigma I feel for “using” it. The med evaluator had zero issue with me “using” it and so does the other counselor I see. I guess I am the only one who has an issue with “potheads”.
The funny thing is, when using medical marijuana daily for pain management, your body acclimates to it and most people, including me, don’t get high anymore yet you bear the stigma of being a pothead and are judged by people (like me formerly). I didn’t believe it when someone told me this fact because at the time, I had never used marijuana for pain relief on a daily basis.
Life is humbling and, according to The Guru, the whole idea, purpose, and meaning is to kill the ego. One time I was reading something written by someone who wished to be diagnosed with cancer just so he/she could die without having to commit suicide and someone commented something along the lines of “You don’t want to do that. I’ve watched someone die of cancer and basically, you watch the person’s personality die” which is one in the same thing, I think, right?
So, that got me to thinking, why not live as if you’ve been diagnosed with cancer (or at least contemplate it for a few moments) and see what parts of your ego/personality need to die and, in fact, would most likely die first, should you be diagnosed with cancer.
It’s not fun to think about letting go of your personality but at the same time, it does seem like something we’ll all be faced with doing at the end of our lives when we’re too sick to be cured by the material things the world has to offer and we’ll have no choice but to focus 100% on the otherworldly. I like to focus on it while I’m feeling well–kind of like preparing for a test a little bit each day instead of waiting until the last minute.